Thursday, December 5, 2013

God has a Plan, a Plan He does have!


Hello!  Today I wanted to share what is on my heart. Almost 18 years ago I felt as if my whole world had fallen apart.  It did as far as I was concerned!  I'll save all the details, that becoming a Pearson has brought out in me and give the short story.  I felt unwanted, unworthy, and to costly.  Satan has used/uses that over and over to wound me.  Those are LIES that I believed and still honestly struggle with.

Only about 6 weeks after my world cratered, My Knight in Shining Armor entered into my life as a boyfriend of a old friend. At that point, I had no idea that God would use him & he would be my knight!  They broke up 2 months before I started dating him!!! I'm not *that* girl! So, we started dating and it was Love!  His name had 4 syllables Grrr-aaaaaa-nnnn-ttt, Papaw Jim still gives me a hard time about calling him that!  After, only 8 months of dating my family and I moved from Gtown to Andrews!  I wasn't at all happy, I tried to eat my self to happiness and gained 30 lbs from January '97 to May '97. But, God had a plan!!!

This knight went to trade school to be a welder, why his parents allowed that I do not know! But God did! Mr. welder found a great paying job in Andrews area and moved 2 months after I had moved.  He followed me! We became engaged and got married. I was 19 when we said our I do's!  I was determined to get my Teaching Certificate before I had children, God went along with me on that one!

So, I accomplished my goals of college, teaching degree and now it was time for children! We consulted with God, Dr. and each other and then worked on it! About 10 months later my beautiful red headed baby girl was born! What a miracle children really are. I often still question why God would allow me to raise these blessings. When she was 22 months old our beautiful miracle # 2 was born.  It was/is incredible how different both babies can be.   Girl vs. boy, re-flux vs. breast milk, & 1 vs. 2,  I felt unworthy & inapt that was for sure.  God had a plan!  I cried everyday I worked and Lola-Bug was in childcare. When I found out I was pregnant with Bubba, I started stashing money so I could stay home! What would I do? God sent a beautiful angel as a friend to me.  Her baby #1, is one day older than Lola-Bug. She encouraged and helped me have faith that God would provide for my family if I stayed home. 

What had I done?  I was alone at home with a new born and a two year old? 25 students was a breeze compared to these little sweeties! How would I survive, how would I ever get anything done? This slowly worked out and I did manage to get dressed most days and venture out in public!  My happy pill prescribed for postpartum was needed, "O" boy was it needed!  I am thankful for Dr.s and medicine.  My angel friend helped me a lot.  Sometimes we would just sit and talk, sometimes we would head to the park.  We shared recipes, meals and most of all our hearts with one another.  We truly understood one another, what a blessing and a plan God had!  I love her so much, tears are flowing from my eyes as I type! 

Taking a glimpse back into God's plan for my life I see that my whole world had to fall apart for me to move to Georgetown.  Once, I was there God placed Grant in my life.  His mom and dad were suppose to allow him to go to welding school so  he could follow me to the oil patch of West Texas. He received a great job as a welder. A comment of  "You'll never finish college, you'll end up pregnant and barefoot" pushed me and pushed me to get my degree! God knew I needed that! God kept Shawndell in Odessa, instead of her getting a position in Midland in '01.  She is such a blessing. God, surprised us with Bubba, he was 3 yrs early, aren't the 1st born usually the surprise?  Bubba being born lead to me staying home.  Staying home lead to my relationship with Jesus growing, strengthening and healing!

My Knight in shining armor is still awesome just encase you were wondering. He has a strong faith and encourages me in mine.  We left West Texas 5 years ago.  I knew God had a plan for us here. It was exciting to start a new adventure. Within the first 6 months I met 3 angel friends who help me through my bouts of depress & anxiety. They are all so different, but I love that about them, they know who they are. God's plan  was better than I could of imagined.  I had to leave 1 amazing friend for 3 amazing friends.

After, our 1st year here my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer.  God gave me a verse 
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Matthew 6:25 This verse gave me strength and hope for Nikki's diagnosis.  Today as I type I wonder what plan God has for my life, is there a reason for the hiccups in my life right now? I bet so!!! So as God's word says we should,
"always be giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-21  Thank you God for your Plans!!!

Let me tie this all up, today Grant said something that he had no intentions of it hurting me but it did.  I'm learning from my christian counselor about how my past hurts are still hurting me.  Unknowingly, his words were like a dagger in my wounded heart. I lashed out at him and it was ugly.  I sat down, cried and talked to Jesus.  I was shown that those Lies of being unwanted, unworthy, and to costly  were taunting me.  Grant loves me and wasn't trying to hurt me.  Jesus is healing my heart but it is a slow process.  Yes, Jesus is Healing me!!! Counseling is one of the best things I have ever done for myself, I encourage you to go if you have hurts big or small from your past or present!

 God has a plan, a plan He does have! 

  **Disclaimer, I haven't proofed this so the grammar and spelling maybe Crystal-fied!"

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Give up Christmas Expectations and LOVE yourself

 Why do I try so hard to look as if I have it all together? I know I don't! You know I don't, but yet I still try.  As, I sit here on my 12 yr old dirty and falling apart couch with my kids who are really getting on my nerves, my hubby who I just grumbled at is scratching something together to eat for himself and the kids.  I sit among a house in disarray with Christmas décor scattered all over the living room with my tree that has a short in the lights. All I really want to do is cry.  I have soooo much to be thankful for healthy children who can run and play in this big mess!  A hubby who loves me in my "yuck" moments, that I am in at the moment. But, most of all I have a Savior Jesus who saved me from my sins.

So, why can't I muster up a happy spirit and get to decorating my pre-lit spinning tree?  Is it because my sister who I thought up until 8 hrs ago was coming to stay a few days is not coming? Or is it because the lights on the upper part of the tree aren't working? Or feeling sorry for myself because I'm broke this season. Or is it the combo of all of it?

I have all these big expectations for myself... Big garlands around my kitchen window, bay-window & front door.  I want my tree to look professionally put together (like on Pinterest). Not like my children who still want to decorate our tree actually did it!  I want beautifully wrapped gifts that coordinate with the tree! My 2-elves (elf on the shelf) make messes daily so my kids 'can show them grace.' I would like to make sure my already purchased C-mas cards go out on Dec. 2nd and I get my 20 free Walgreen's Thank-you cards created before the deadline!  I'd better get to making chex-mix and other goodies for the neighbors along with doing a daily devotions & advent calendar activities with my children. I need something great for my hubby for C-mas without having to spend a fortune I don't have, and hinting over and over for what he'd like.  Anxiety is creeping over me at the moment.  I'm just being real sisters!

So right now I'm going to think about what is *true* about myself (Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8)....I CP am-
-Loved (by-Jesus, Grant, Family & Friends)
-I'm cared for
-I'm a good cook
-I care for my family better that I give
myself credit for
-I'm training my children up in the way
of the Lord Jesus Christ
-I want the best for others
-I pray often and I'm truly strengthened
by the Lord
-I know how to make those closest to me "smile"
-I'm dependable
-I'm creative
-I'm a good teacher

Wow, honestly that really did help!  If you are struggling with the "expectations" you have put on yourself stop.  Sit down and make a list of the gifts and talents you have.  God created us all different and He did this because he knows best.  Life is not fair it never will be.  Jesus totally understands, think of how fair his life was?  Sit still, and ask Jesus how He feels for you in this moment.  You and I were worth dying for yes dying for!

This poor pathetic tree is a good reminder of myself in a life of expectations.  I can't do it!  I can't function under my crazy "expectations".  What does God expect of me this Christmas?    "And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly[a] with your God. "
Micah 6:8
So this Christmas I'm going to have my kids decorate our tree as I sip on something warm with kids Christmas carols playing in the background. I'm not gonna fix that strand of lights that isn't working as a reminder to myself that I don't have to meet my "MISS Perfect" expectations.  If I do anymore Christmas decorating it will because I want to not because I have to!

The birth of Jesus is the reason for the season and what a beautiful gift you and I were given.  Join me in not allowing the joy and blessings to be stolen from us.

Love to each of you who read this blog!  May you join me in my efforts to slow down and take the *crazy expectations* off of ourselves!  What do you like most and dislike most during the holidays?

Give credit where credit is do-
Pinterest- Jesus, Santa & the Elf on the Shelf